


Fall on Me

by michele659



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Angst, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-20
Updated: 2012-02-20
Packaged: 2017-10-31 11:53:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/343749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/michele659/pseuds/michele659
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summary: Everyone has a breaking point. On the anniversary of his father’s murder Steve finally falls apart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted to Hawaii 5-0 Slash and Steve/Danno Slash on lj.

 

 

    ****

 

For most of his life, Steve McGarrett has felt like he’s been on the outside looking in.

Peering in windows at happy families.

Homes where people laughed and didn’t walk around measuring their words or watching their tone because you couldn’t disturb Dad when he was working on a case (which was always).

 Families where the Dads were home and would do things like throw a ball around with you before dinner, or check your homework. Were there for your birthday, for Christmas.

Someone who stood behind you while you learned how to ride a bike, slowly letting you go but being close enough to catch you if you started to fall.

There was never anyone to catch Steve- so he learned to do everything without a net.

But there are some things you just can’t prepare for.

Some things can topple anyone.

Like hearing your father being murdered and being helpless to stop it.

During the day he “soldiers’ on, losing himself in the team, in their cases, in his friendship with Danny.

But sometimes, when he’s alone on the lanai the feelings come over him in waves.

Steve clamps down on these emotions every time one hits. He knows if he doesn’t do that he’ll break

He might never be able to put himself back together and there isn’t anyone to do it for him.

***

It’s the anniversary of his father’s death and he’s remembering every step of that day.

He remembers he had some bitter coffee and dry eggs that morning and was pumped up on adrenaline by the time they picked up Hesse. He was so happy, because not only did he get the bad guys, he was going home.

Home to see his Dad.

Steve remembers how he’d been picturing the look of pride on the elder McGarrett’s face when Steve came home and told him the news.

He saw his father shaking his hand, maybe hugging him.

Steve shook his head. He didn’t remember the last time his father had hugged him.

But that day, for a moment, he could see it happening.

Until the call came.

Steve thinks how ironic that “Champ” was a clue.

Steve’s father knew that he would know something was wrong if Steve were to hear that.

Steve’s father never called him champ.

He was just not the type who showed his emotions.

Or gave praise.

Or held you.

Or let you know when they came to your goddamn football games.

It wasn’t fucking fair, Steve thinks, that his father let everyone else know Steve was important to him-except Steve himself.

But Jack McGarrett, was not the type.

He wasn’t the type to hug, wasn’t the type to praise.

He wasn’t the father who was going to be behind you when you were learning to ride a bicycle.

Slowly letting go and then being close enough to catch you if you fell.

Steve laughed a little, thinking of Danny telling him he wasn’t held as a child.

Steve had told him he was and he had photographic evidence.

He did, but it was mostly his mother doing the holding.

**

Steve gets up and walks along the edge of the water, letting the waves lap gently around his feet.

He remembers thinking how he’d been so sure things were going to be different when he went home this time.

He thought of how he and his Dad would sit out here and talk about things. About sports. About work. About the Navy.

They’d say all those things they’d never said to each other.

Well, Jack would say all those things he’d never said to Steve when he was growing up.

He thought of how his father would smile; show him how proud he was to be his father.

How proud he was to have Steve for a son.

His Dad would _tell him_ how proud he was.

And he’d hug him.

He sits back down in his deck chair and starts to cry.

** 

“Hey, babe,” a familiar voice calls to him from the door.

Steve moans softly, thinking the last thing he needs is Danny seeing him cry.

Maybe he won’t notice. If he just keeps his head down.

“Good morning, sunshine”, Danny says, teasingly. He puts two cups of coffee down on the table and walks to the water’s edge. He’s making a show of looking at the sky and the sun.

Trying to give Steve a moment to compose himself.

Steve is touched.

Danny sits down in the chair next to Steve and gestures to the water.

“Beautiful day today,” he says.

“You hate this weather, Danny,” Steve says and before he knows it he and Danny are bickering affectionately and Steve is laughing.

For a few minutes at a time he can forget what day this is.

For a few minutes.

***

After they finish their coffee Danny announces they have to go in the house and have breakfast.

“Really?  Since when do you cook?”

“I’ll have you know I’m a great cook!” Danny looks so offended that Steve laughs.

“So why are you always eating take out?”

“My cooking, Steven, -like my swimming-is something I do very well yet choose not to.”

“Well, why not?” Steve asks. “You complain about the food on the island all the time.”

Danny looks at him for a moment and there’s a look in his eyes Steve’s seen in his own, but he can’t put a name to it.

“It’s no fun to cook for yourself. Make a nice meal and then eat alone.”

Oh. Now Steve knows what that look was.

Loneliness.

“So, you want to have my world famous cinnamon French toast out here or do you want to eat inside?”

“You brought cinnamon French toast over from your house?” Steve looks at him suspiciously. “I don’t believe you. You bought them from a store.”

“I _made_ them in your kitchen. You remember your kitchen, right? “

“You mean you were in there cooking while I was out here?” Steve frowns. He should’ve sensed someone was in the house. Even from this distance.

“Yes, Super SEAL. I was able to be in your house without some warning signal going off in your brain. And by the way-what did I tell you about not changing your code frequently?”

“You’re such a nag, Danny.”

“Thanks, dear,” Danny rolls his eyes and gestures. “Come on, let’s go.”

***

“God, Danny-these are delicious!” Steve moans because they really are. “You have to come over and cook for me more often.”

“Yes, I live to serve you, Sir,” Danny grins.

“Well, thank you. My most humble (ha!) servant.” Steve thinks this is so much better than the eggs and coffee he had last year-

“What’s with the face?” Danny interrupts his thoughts.

“Danny, can we please not start on my face? I have no face!”

“Well, that _would_ be awkward, now wouldn’t it?”

“You know what I mean!”

“You do have a face, I call it your ‘thinking sad thoughts’ face.”

Steve says nothing and for a moment there’s silence between them.

Then Danny touches his hand.

“Hey. I know what today is,” he says as he lets his hand rest on Steve’s.

“I was just thinking-you know the stupid thoughts that go through your head on days like these? You think about the weather the day it happened. What clothes you were wearing. What you were thinking about. You remember what you were doing the moment you got the call. I was just remembering what I had for breakfast that morning. Stupid, I know.”

Danny squeezes Steve’s hand. “It’s not stupid,” he says. “I can tell you where I was when I heard my Grandfather died. I was coming back from a baseball game. It was the last game of the playoffs and I was so high. It had been a tough game and the lead changed hands each inning, but the Yanks won and I was happy. We were in the car and my friend and I were singing at the top of our lungs and making lots of noise. So much noise that I almost didn’t hear my phone. My mom was on the phone, crying, telling me that Grandpa died. My first thought was ‘damn, he won’t get to see the Yankees in the World Series this year.’ He was a great Yankee fan,” Danny pauses and smiles. “My next thought was how inconsequential everything I thought was so important a moment before really was. Because now nothing mattered. Nothing except the fact that my Grandpa died. My world consisted of just that one fact.”

Steve nods and realizes that somewhere during Danny’s story he started grasping onto Danny’s hand.

“It’s hard to lose the ones you love,” Danny says.

“Especially when you’re alone,” Steve adds.

“Hey, you-you’re not alone. Remember that.” Danny gently removes his hand from Steve’s grasp and gets up to clear the dishes. He touches Steve lightly on the shoulder. “Now come on-we’ve got to get to work.  And before you ask, yes you can drive my car.” “The things I do for you, McGarrett,” Danny sighs dramatically.

And Steve smiles.

***

 “What are you grinning about, Danny?” Steve regards him suspiciously.

“Listen to this,” Danny turns on his CD player and Steve hears, “Sexy Eyes”.

Steve starts to laugh. “You _bought_ this! You hate this song!”

“Yeah, well. You’re right. It’s –catchy,” Danny manages to say without gagging. He clears his throat and looks out the window. “I may have put a few other songs on there that I thought you’d like.”

“You-made a CD for me?” Steve says in that exact tone he used when he said Danny was jealous of his ex-partner, Nick. “Are we dating now?”

Danny grins and looks at Steve and shakes his head. “That’s funny.”

“Well, you know- you made me a CD and all. It’s kind of like making me a mixed tape.”

“I hate you very much-Steven”, Danny says, but he can’t help laughing.

“No-you love me. That’s why you made me the CD. What else is on it?”

Danny grins because he knew this would be a diversion for Steve. The man was like a child when it came to things like presents and displays of affection.

Things he didn’t get too much of when he _was_ a child, apparently.

“Here- you can look at the cover. And do it when you’re at a red light please, so we don’t get run over? “

“You made a cover? Does it have art and everything?”

“Why yes, it does. Courtesy of my wonderfully artistic daughter Grace. She loved making it for Uncle Steve.”

Steve grabs it and a huge grin comes over his face. She drew a picture of a time she and Danny were on the beach with Steve. He laughs. “Look, even in the picture you’re not smiling. Don’t you ever smile when you’re on the beach? You know, like most normal people do?”

Danny peers at the drawing. “Hmm, I’m going to have to talk to Gracie about this,” he says and tries to sound stern. He ends up laughing. “She really does have my expression down, doesn’t she?”

“Yes, she does. Now let me see the other songs on this. We’re stopped at a light.”

“I’m warning you, McGarrett, if you dare laugh I will throw the CD out the window. Even if it did take me forever to make it,” he adds under his breath.

“You love me,” Steve taps him playfully on the shoulder.

“Yeah, yeah,” Danny replies.

“Oh damn! You’ve got some great songs on here! “ He laughs. “How many of these do you hate?”

“Surprisingly few-with the exception of the “sexy eyes” one, which has grown on me.”

Steve finds one title that makes him laugh, a real laugh that shakes his shoulders and brings a little light back into his eyes.

“What did I tell you about mocking my song choices?” Danny pretends to be annoyed but he can’t help laughing because he’s heard the laugh and seen that small light in Steve’s eyes.

“I’m not mocking! I just wasn’t expecting ‘Drive my car,’ to be one of the songs!”

“Yeah, well I felt it was appropriate,” Danny raises his eyes upward and throws his hands up in an imitation of his most put upon moments. “I can’t even drive my own car anymore!”

“And baby I love you…”

“What?” Danny jumps in his seat and looks at Steve.

“That’s what the song says,” Steve is grinning again,-the Cheshire cat grin that makes Danny simultaneously want to smack him and kiss him.

“It says _maybe I’ll love you,_ though you know, I wasn’t really thinking of the words when I chose the song. Just the, uh, expression,” Danny mutters.

Steve just keeps grinning, and the small light in his eyes grows a little more brightly.

****   

They’ve been working on this case a few days with little progress. It’s another of those where children are involved and families are separated, and Danny watches Steve for any sign that he might be finally falling apart. He’s as restless as Danny usually is, pacing his office, coming into Danny’s and sitting on his desk, going over the information they have for the hundredth time. Danny decides to order in lunch for the team and he tells stories that have everyone laughing and Kono and Chin join in with their stories of their own.

Steve relaxes a bit-for the moment. And Danny feels relieved. It’s important that Steve knows, today of all days, that he is not alone.

He’s got a family here.

 When they get a break in the case and rush in to get to make the arrest Danny sees Steve almost lose it a few times as he deals with the suspects. When that happens Danny tries to do something, anything to bring him back. He teases, jokes, argues with him and makes sure that he’s always near enough for Steve to touch him, or for him to touch Steve if he’s looking a bit shell shocked.

Danny learned early on that Steve was as tactile a person as he was, and touching grounded him. Danny was always used to touching and being touched; it was second nature in his family. Steve, however, seemed starved for it.

There’s a tense moment at the end, and Danny watches, his hand at the small of Steve’s back. Just a small touch to say “I’m here. You’re not alone.”

He sighs when he watches the lines around Steve’s eyes relax.

*** 

The case is wrapped up and everyone is returned safe and sound to their families. Steve is smiling, and Danny knows how important it was for this to be the outcome on today of all days.

“This time we beat those fuckers,” he can hear Steve saying.

Unlike last year, when they beat _him._

Danny can tell the moment that last thought comes into Steve’s mind. That sad, haunted look returns to his eyes and he looks around.

Danny thinks he knows what he’s doing.

He’s searching the crowd for his father.

“Hey, let’s wrap this up and get some dinner. All of us-we can go to the place down by the beach that makes the passable Italian food.”

“It’s a little early for dinner,” Steve says, looking at his watch.

Danny sighs. “Ok-here it’s too early. Elsewhere, it’s dinnertime.”

Steve looks skeptical, and now the haunted look is more prevalent, and the restlessness Danny knows only too well has returned.

“Ok, forget the food-for now since it’s not proper according to your rigid schedule (you control freak). Let’s go back to your house.”

“What? With Kono and Chin?”

“Why do you say that like you never have them over?”

“Well, it’s just right now I’m not really in the mood for company.”

“Oh-so do you want me to go home, too?” Danny asks, though privately he thinks there is no way he’s leaving Steve alone today.

But thankfully Steve shakes his head. “No. You’re not company. They’re not just company either. But you- you’re different. I can’t explain it.”

Danny smiles. “It’s alright. I understand.”

And he does.

***  

“Hey, you want to go pick up Grace?” Danny asks as they get ready to drive away. “I have a kite in my trunk and I’ve been meaning to just grab her for a few hours and fly it with her. Hang out with her- at the beach.”

“At the beach?” Steve laughs at that and then quickly looks away when Danny glares at him. “Can you do that? It’s not your normal afternoon with her.”

“Um, yeah. I might have called Rachel while I was waiting for you and switched the day for this week,” Danny suddenly looks fascinated by the sidewalk. Steve puts his hand on Danny’s knee and says, “Thank you.”

“I don’t know what you’re thanking me for-“ Danny says, “I didn’t do it for you.”

Steve looks at him and taps his knee lightly. “Yes, you did.”

Danny sighs. “Fuck. Ok, yes I did.”

Steve smiles and puts “Drive My Car” on.

***  

Gracie comes running to Danny, the way she always does.

With abandon and so much love.

And she knows, she _knows_ that her Danno is going to respond in kind.

He always does.

Danny wraps his arms around Grace, kissing her, hugging her, spinning her around as though he hasn’t seen her in two years instead of two days.

Steve loves watching them.

Grace adores her “Danno”, and Danny, well he had already proven how much he loved her just by moving “halfway around the world,” as he put it-just to be a part of her life.

Danny looks up at him and smiles and motions for Steve to join them.

Steve is always a little hesitant to involve himself in Danny’s family, as much as he’d love to. He worries that he’s intruding into the few precious minutes Danny gets to spend with them.

Yet Danny always seems to want him around. He wants Steve included in his family.

Steve smiles as Grace hugs him and calls him “Uncle Steve”, and he tells her how much he loved the drawing she did for the cover of his CD. She smiles and it’s times like that when Steve sees Danny in her.

Her smile’s like Danny’s.

It can light up everything within a  hundred mile radius.

It lightens his heart, too, and he revels in it for a moment. The feel of her arms around him being joined by Danny who yells (in unison with Grace)”group hug!”

“Come on,” Danny says. “Let’s fly this thing. Do you remember how we used to do this?”

Grace is serious for a moment and says, “I remember. everything we do together, Daddy.”

Danny leans down and strokes her hair, then he ruffles it and says, “Me too, sweetheart.”

Steve and Danny take turns flying the kite with her, and when its Steve’s turn Danny watches, pleased with the joy he sees on Steve’s face.

After they finish with the kite Grace decides she wants to look for rocks she insists are really jewels in disguise. Along the way she stops and picks up seashells, exclaiming each time that: “You can hear the ocean!  Listen, Uncle Steve! Listen, Daddy!”

She puts the shell to Danny’s ear and Steve leans down to hear it, too.

He feels the warmth of Danny’s body near him, and it feels good and somehow comforting.

He thinks he hears Danny draw in a breath when he gets close.

After she’s collected a pail full of rocks and seashells Grace decides she wants to go for a swim.

“Oh no, no swimming!” Danny shakes his head.

“Please, please Daddy!” Grace implores, using the big eyed look that melts him every time.

“Please, please Danno!” Steve adds with a grin.

“Great- I have two children now. Alright, I surrender. I’ll go swimming. I do have a pair of shorts I can put on in the car,” and he leaves to get them out of the trunk.

Grace claps her hands and she and Steve exchange a fist bump.

“I’m finally going to see your Daddy swim,” he tells Grace with a smile. “I bet him he can’t swim.”

“Oh, no! Daddy’s a good swimmer!” Grace nods. “He just doesn’t like to swim too much.”

Danny comes back and Steve laughs.

“That’s some sorry excuse for a bathing suit!” he tells him.

Danny makes a face and says, “Yeah, well this is what I wore when I went swimming in Jersey, and I figure if it was good enough then it’ll be good enough now.”

Grace shakes her head at the same time Steve does.

“Look at the two of you!” Danny says in mock horror. “It’s like you’ve turned into twins. Now I’m gonna have two people telling me what to do. Or, trying to anyway.”

“Let’s go in,” Grace is already running, and Danny watches her, telling her to wait for him and Uncle Steve.

Steve wades into the water behind her, encircling her with his arms and she giggles. They hold hands and make circles and Danny smiles, thinking he can watch them like this all day.

Except that the twins are now saying (in unison): “Come on! Get in the water!”

“Alright, alright, but not for long. The sun is going to be going down soon and we don’t want to be in the water at night,” Danny shudders.

“What’s with the shudder?”

“Nothing, just thinking of all the things that could come to the surface at night.”

Steve laughs and tells him he’d better hurry up then

As Danny gets close, Steve and Grace grab him and pull him in.

He falls down, sputtering and pretending to be mad. “How could my little girl do that to me? It’s your fault,” he points at Steve.

Steve laughs at Danny, telling him he looks like one of those creatures that surface at night, and that is the call for a splash fight which starts with Danny splashing Steve, then goes on to Steve splashing Danny and Grace splashing them both.

They play for a little while, and just as they’re about to get out of the water Grace says she wants to float on her back, so she can look at the sunset.

“Well, go ahead, sweetheart,” Danny says, but Grace shakes her head.

“You have to hold my hand and float next to me.”

Danny sighs but says ok, and then she looks at Steve.

“You have to be on the other side, Uncle Steve,” she says, smiling at him.

So the three of them float in the water for a few minutes, holding hands and watching the sun goes down.

Danny sees the look on Steve’s face and it warms him.

He’s never seen him looking so peaceful.

Danny thinks about it for a moment.

He can’t remember the last time _he_ felt this peaceful, either.

**** 

After they have dinner, which Steve insists _must_ consist of him grilling healthy foods for Danny and Grace (grilled chicken and some vegetables Danny doesn’t want identified) they drive Grace home.

The top is down and Grace is singing along with the radio, laughing when her hair blows in the wind.

Steve smiles fondly at Grace and joins in the singing until both Danny and Grace beg him to stop.

“God, only you could butcher a song by the Boss,” Danny groans and Grace giggles.

They drop Grace off and Steve grows quiet on the drive home.

“Do you feel like talking?” Danny asks. “I could just do a bunch of jokes for you if you want, or I could sing…” He turns to Steve and says. “Or I could just shut up and let you talk.”

“No, I’m good.”

Danny gives him a look that says “Who are you kidding?” and says, “No, my friend, you’re not good. But if you don’t want to talk about it I’ll drop it, for now.”

Steve grins a little at that. “For now, huh? Ok, I can deal with that. Let’s get a couple of beers and sit outside for a while.”

“Sounds good to me,” Danny agrees.

But he’s seen the shadows creep back into Steve’s eyes and he worries that Steve will break down before this night is over.  
   
End part 1


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve is pushed past the breaking point and it's up to Danny to bring him back from the edge.

****

 

 

When Steve does break it takes them both by surprise.

They’re just walking out the door and Steve’s phone rings.

“Leave it. Let’s just go,” Danny says, having a feeling that this is not going to be a happy conversation.

But Steve, ever the Boy Scout answers it, and his face turns white.

“Hesse-what the fuck are you doing calling me?”

Danny can hear Hesse’s voice through Steve’s phone. “ _I thought we could commiserate. After all, we both lost people we loved a year ago today. You did remember it, didn’t you? We were having a conversation just like this when I –“_

“Shut the fuck up!”Steve yells, because then it all comes rushing back. Every goddamn line of that phone conversation, every word from his Dad, every sound-gunfire, a scream of pain.

Steve’s father, screaming in pain.

_“Oh, you don’t like remembering this? Well, I don’t like remembering you killing my brother!”_

“Your brother was going to kill me!  It doesn’t matter now, so just get the fuck off the phone!”

 “Give me the phone,” Danny demands, grabbing it out of Steve’s hands before he can even protest. “Listen to me, you sick son of a bitch. You’ve fucked around with this family for the last time!  Do you understand me?”

Hesse is quiet for a moment. “ _Who are you_?”

 “I’m Steve’s partner, and his family has suffered enough because of you.”

Hesse’s laughing now. “ _You’re his partner? And what are you going to do to me.? I’m in prison now._

 “Exactly,” Danny lets that sink in for a moment. “I can come up and see you as often as I want-but you; you’re not going anywhere, are you?”

Hesse is silent for a moment then says, “ _You’re bluffing I have guards around me all the time. They won’t let you near me.”_

 Danny laughs. “You know, for a supposedly smart guy you really are almost touchingly naïve.” His voice takes on the tone Steve says he uses when he’s going to beat someone up. “Who do you think will let me in?”

Hesse hangs up the phone.

Steve’s face has gone white and then he runs out the back door and goes down to the beach.

Danny runs after him. Steve is bent over, sobbing.

It’s a sound that cuts Danny to the core and he reaches out to hug Steve.

“Danny, Danny, that –son of a bitch” he’s grabbing onto Danny’s shirt with his fists, pulling him closer. “He was- laughing-laughing at me. Laughing-at my Dad, my Dad,” his voice breaks then and he slides down to the ground, on his knees.

Then he starts to scream and pound in the sand, his hands pausing for a moment over a stone. Just a few hours ago they were digging for rocks for Grace’s bucket of jewels, and now the night has been tainted by that psychotic fuck.

Danny almost mentions taking a quick trip to the prison and talking to one of those guards he told Hesse about.

Hesse had brutally murdered a well respected cop, a legend.

The guards wouldn’t think twice about letting Danny and Steve take care of him.

Hell, Danny thinks, they’d probably join in.

He’s surprised that no guard has done that job, yet.

The rational part of his brain knows that this would be the wrong thing to do, but Danny can’t help it. He sees Steve in the sand, practically retching by this point, and wants to hurt somebody.

Instead he gets down in the sand next to Steve and puts his arms around him.

Steve is gagging on his sobs and he clutches at Danny’s hands.

“My life- my whole fuckin’ life, feeling so goddamn alone,” he closes his eyes. “Now I really am alone.” He keeps repeating that, “so goddamn alone,” and Danny just holds onto him as he falls apart, broken under the weight of so much loss.

Then he says:”Steve, “you’re not- how you could say that? You have all of us, Chin, Kono, Grace, and me-if that gives you any consolation,” he adds, hoping to bring a slight smile back to Steve’s face.

Steve’s not hearing him. He just keeps crying out, saying he’s alone. “Everybody dies. Everybody! My father-and my mother! All these years without her and now I find out her death wasn’t an accident-it was part of this sick game. And my Dad!” He takes a breath and continues: ” I heard him die! I heard the anguish in his voice, the pain. I _heard_ it Danny. And that asshole was laughing at me then the way he’s laughing at me now!”

Danny knows there’s nothing to say so to that so he just keeps holding onto Steve. He gently runs his fingers through Steve’s hair, trying anything to soothe him.”Why don’t you go see your sister?” he asks. Danny knows they haven’t had the closest relationship, but she is his sister, and he knows how much Steve loves her.

“I offered to go out there, or to pay for her to come here, but she said she needed some space.” He laughs, bitterly. “I can sort of understand it if she hadn’t been using that excuse for years before the kidnapping.”

Oh. Danny didn’t know that. He feels a surge of anger at Mary Ann. She knows how important family is to Steve, and after all he did for her the least she could do was see him.

“I’m sorry, man,” he says because he can’t think of anything remotely comforting to say.

“Hell, it doesn’t matter,” Steve is shaking and Danny tightens his hold. “Nothing’s really changed.  My parents were dead and my sister was out of my life before he called. I’m alone”

Steve says this quietly, and the sudden change in his tone scares Danny. He gets this vacant look in his eyes.

As if his soul is closing down along with his heart.

“Stay with me, Steve,” Danny urges. “Stay with me and listen, ok? You aren’t alone. Mary Ann will come back. She loves you-you’re her brother. And you do have family. All of us.” He tries to hold Steve’s gaze, get past that blank look. “And you’re not going to lose that.”

“I will,” Steve says and the panicked look is back in his eyes.” It always happens.”

“Steve,” Danny tries again.

“No, Danny, no! Everybody dies! Everybody!  Or they all leave.”

He gets up and runs down the beach and  heads for the water.

As he starts to walk into the ocean Danny runs behind him and throws himself on Steve, knocking him to the floor.”

“Are you really insane?” Danny wonders, but now he’s not angry or exasperated.

He’s scared out of his mind at the thought of losing Steve.

Danny puts his weight on Steve’s body, trying to hold him in place underneath him.

He shakes Steve to get his attention, but Steve is still whimpering, and now he’s saying, “My Mom. I wonder what she thought about when she died. She was alone…”

Oh, this is not a good road to go down. Danny knows all about obsessing over what happened when a loved one dies.

“My Dad, Danny-the sound…” He closes his eyes and the terror of that moment hits him once again. “Everybody leaves.”

“Listen to me, No, really, listen to me-please!” Danny is begging and has tears running down his face himself. “You’re not alone.”

“Everybody leaves, everybody leaves,” Steve keeps repeating.

“No more,” Danny says, as firmly as he can. “No more. Nobody leaves, do you understand me?”

Steve laughs, bitterly. “Of course they do. They all did. You all will. “

“NO!” Danny yells. “Not us. No matter if you fire our asses’ tomorrow- we’re not leaving. I’m not leaving you. You hear me? Are you listening, STEVEN?”

He pushes Steve down on the sand and covers him with his body. Danny rubs Steve’s chest and his arms, trying to will warmth and fight and life back into him.

He whispers in his ear, “Nobody leaves,” over and over. Danny speaks with such conviction that Steve starts to respond a little. “You can’t say that,” Steve says.

“Yes, yes I can,” Danny says, and now his lips are inches away from Steve’s. “Nothing is going to happen to us, and nobody’s leaving you,’ and at that moment Danny feels like he would kick the crap out of anybody or anything that would try, including death.

“I’m not leaving you,” he adds, stroking Steve’s face. “Not leaving”-he’s so close to Steve that he can feel his breath. “I love you,” he whispers so softly he’s not sure Steve hears him.

Danny kisses him.

He pulls back for a second and repeats it “I’m not leaving. And don’t you leave me, either. Understand?  We’ll get through this. Just tell me what you need me to do.”

Steve reaches out and touches Danny’s face, and it’s the first time since they’ve been out here that Steve’s eyes are focused. Danny can see the pain, but he also sees Steve somewhere in there. The hollow, empty look is gone.

“Are you really here?” he asks.

“What do you mean? Of course I’m really here!” Maybe he was wrong and Steve _is_ slipping away from him.

“Are you?” Steve asks again.

Danny touches Steve’s face, tracing lines along his lips, caressing him, kissing his forehead, his eyes, and then his lips once more.

“Does that feel real?” he asks.

“I can’t feel, Danny. I can’t …” Steve is gripping Danny’s forearms so tightly he knows he’ll have bruises the next day.

“It’s alright. Just stay with me,” Danny murmurs as he tries not to let his own panic seep into his voice.

He slides his hands down Steve’s chest and tries to warm him to stop the shaking. He lets his lips follow his hands. When he reaches Steve’s stomach he stops and rests his head there, his arms around Steve’s waist.

He feels Steve’s breathing even out a little, and he looks up at him.

“Danny-“is all Steve says at first, but Danny knows what he’s asking for.

He can hear the need in Steve’s voice.

“I need to feel you-“

Danny nods and slowly pulls off Steve’s clothes and then takes off his own.

He lays his body down over Steve’s and holds him, and then he starts moving slowly, rhythmically.

He exhales when he feels Steve’ moving beneath him.

Once he starts, it seems Steve comes to life, pushing Danny as close as he can, rubbing against him, taking his face in his hands and kissing him.

He wraps his arms around Danny’s waist and pulls him close, burying his face in Danny’s neck, breathing him in.

“I need more-“Steve says. “I need you. Please.”

Danny reaches down and takes the pre come that’s formed between them and slides his fingers gently into Steve

 “I need you, Danny,” he says again.

Danny eases his way inside, and he stays still for a moment, holding Steve’s gaze, asking for permission.

Steve closes his eyes and nods and Danny starts moving inside him.

He can feel the heat and the need and the want coming out of both of them. At their core they’ve both been so desperately lonely.

Each time Danny pulls him nearer he says Steve’s name.

Steve is grasping, clutching, wanting to imprint himself on Danny.

Wanting Danny’s imprint under his skin and in his bones.

When they come Steve is sobbing and he pulls Danny‘s face down to kiss him.

A wash of feelings flow over Danny, and he doesn’t know which is his and which is Steve’s.

He realizes it doesn’t matter.

They’re the same.

***

Danny can feel their heart beats slowing down and Steve’s breathing returning to normal.

He picks his head up from Steve’s chest and looks at him.

The color has returned to Steve’s face, and his eyes look focused.

“Steve?” Danny asks, wanting to be sure Steve is really back with him.

Steve doesn’t say anything, but he runs his fingers through Danny’s hair, and he seems calm.

Neither one of them speak for a while. They just listen to the sounds around them.

The ocean is soothing.

Finally Steve says, “You love me?”

Oh, fuck. Danny had forgotten that admission.

Obviously that had penetrated Steve’s grief.

“I-“he looks straight into Steve’s eyes and knows what he’s going to say, “Yes. I love you. So I don’t want you to ever, EVER say that you’re alone ok, ‘cause you’re not.”

“I love you too, Danny.” Steve says softly, smiling a little.

Danny rolls off Steve’s chest and lies beside him.

He sighs.

“You don’t have to say that just because I did,” he says.

“I’m not!  I do-Danny. Don’t you know that? Don’t you know why?”

Danny shakes his head.

“Because you’re the kind of person who would spend the day with me on the anniversary of my father’s death-come over and make me breakfast, watch me all day to keep me grounded when things threatened to fall apart, (Yes, I did notice that) and who’d rearrange his schedule with his daughter so we could fly a kite and listen to the sound of the ocean in the seashells.

Because when you heard Hesse’s voice you acted like a member of your own family was attacked.” He turns on his side and lets his fingers trail up and down Danny’s arm.

“Because when I fell apart you put me back together,” he brings Danny’s face close to his and kisses him. “Because you told me I wasn’t alone, and that nobody leaves.”

“I mean it,” Danny whispers, and it comes out kind of hoarse. “You don’t have to carry everything alone, Steve, because you’re really not. And you never will be again.”

“My whole life,” Steve struggles to get the words out, “I’ve been used to flying without a net- and I started to think I didn’t need one.” He sighs. “I was wrong. I did. And what’s more, I really _wanted_ one.”

“I’ll be your safety net. I’ll catch you when you’re falling,” Danny says.

Steve smiles.

“And if I can’t keep you from falling”, Danny adds,” I’ll let you fall on me...”

 

 

                         The End


End file.
